Shopping Before Christmas

What doofus heads out to shop on the Saturday before Christmas? Me. That's who.

And I had plenty of company. What were we thinking?

Parking lots were crammed with cars. You had to wait to back out of your space, once you found one, because the lanes were full of vehicles waiting on someone or something in front of them. Stores were packed. People loitered in aisles - always in front of whatever I wanted to look at. Lines formed at every cash register, at every store. A note to store management - this might be a good time to suspend the effort at signing people up for your store credit card. Move 'em through, people!

The highways proved what the comic George Carlin observed years ago. He said that everyone else on the road is either an idiot or a maniac. Idiots are driving slower than me and maniacs are the ones passing me. I'm the only person driving the appropriate speed; the idiots are holding me back and the maniacs are a threat to my safety. I've got some confessing to do in the morning at church.

The retail stores were calm compared to the grocery store. Let me begin by saying that I appreciate frugality. In fact, I appreciate it so much I married it! My beloved is careful with her spending; as such, she can be counted on to engage in comparison shopping. That's part of the reason I went solo on this trip. But, there were plenty of other folks scouring over those little tags to make sure they got the absolute best "per unit" price. Why are all the careful shoppers buying exactly what I want?

Shopping carts ratchet things up a bit in the grocery store. Getting whacked by one would have to hurt, and some of those folks are boogying. Others, well, let's just say they aren't in any hurry . . . and they're all in front of me!

So, I consulted the list my beloved had written, checked it twice, and filled up the buggy with everything she needed and I wanted. I'm talking full. Real full. Like 45 minutes worth of shopping full. Which is a lot for me since I'm a grab it and go kind of shopper.

I had one last thing to get - some cream for my athlete's foot, in case you're wondering. I pulled the cart over to the side and started looking for the correct stuff. Finding it, I turned around, only to discover that my cart was gone! Sitting there, in its place, was another cart full of nothing but cardboard and two cans of Pillsbury crescent rolls. Those were actually from my cart, deliberately left to let me know this was an intentional act.

Man, was I mad! Thankfully, I hadn't paid for the stuff, but the prospect of meandering through that store for another 45 minutes just to fill that cart again was almost more than I could take. I told a clerk what had happened, got another cart, and pulled out my trusty list.

Oh, I thought some unholy things about whoever had made off with my cart. First, I hoped they were allergic to half the stuff in the cart, if they were going to actually purchase it. Then, I hoped the milk would sour quick and the bread would be moldy before Christmas. I was picking out my first replacement item and enjoying a vision of the perpetrator dropping my twelve pack of Mountain Dew on their foot when the store clerk rolled up to me with my old cart. They'd found it parked on Aisle 29, nowhere near where I'd been at the time of the heist. All my stuff was there, and I proceeded to the checkout line.

Things went smoothly from there and I entered the jungle of traffic to go home. Sitting there waiting for the line to move, it struck me that I'd been the victim of a prank. Nothing more. I realized that it was probably a kid. Then it hit me - I had once been a kid who would have done just that sort of thing! My buddies and I would have thought that was hilarious, if we'd had the gumption to come up with it.

I started grinning. Then, I started laughing at the possibility the little delinquent might grow up to be a Methodist preacher. I found myself thanking whoever it was for giving me a good laugh and for reminding me not to take myself too seriously and to have a little fun.

So, my suggestion is, if you've got to go out shopping these last days before Christmas, is put on some Christmas carols and get ready to sit in traffic. Breathe deep when you walk in the store and try to use the time standing around as an opportunity to pray. Relax and remember that Bethlehem was crowded, too, and God showed up anyway.

And, whatever else you do - WATCH YOUR CART!!! You never know when a future Methodist preacher might pull a stunt!